Trying to realize a new reality

So, this morning I weighed myself. I am 50 pounds lighter today than I was October 21, 2015. I woke up in a full blown fibro flare this morning and fell UP the stairs on my way to the bathroom. I do not take meds for the fibro except for something to help me sleep. The morning was a bit of a roller coaster. I am not sure if it is from the flare or the yuck weather outside but I am really having a hard day dealing with things today. I hurt physically and emotionally I am a mess.

After the auto accident I was in in June of 2013 I saw a therapist for PTSD symptoms. I had to stop going because of having to drive so far to get to the appointments. Now, almost 3 years later, I am still unable to lift. My career path has changed so much as well as my ability to do many of the things that I had before. I didn’t realize how much this was effecting me until recently when I tried to get disability until I can work again and was immediately turned down. 2 spinal surgeries, lots of physical therapy of different types and spinal pain injections plus PTSD and fibromyalgia that, some days is debilitating… Took only a month to get the denial papers. I do not want to live off of a¬†disability check but my kids need to eat and my husband should not have to worry so much about money.

I went to talk to a disability lawyer. As I was recounting some of what has changed in the last few years I welled up and cried like a baby. It was then that I realized that I need to be talking to someone. I have been short tempered with my family because I do not know what to do to start dealing with these abrupt changes that I had no control over. I started therapy last week. This is going to be a journey I am reluctant to take. I have to take it though so that I can be the mom and wife that I want to be.

I am not going to let this beat me. I will be a good mom and wife and I will not stay in bed all day. I will accomplish great things, even if they are not the things I had been aiming for when I received my associates degree in Special education 2 weeks before the accident. It could have been much worse. I have been given so much extra time to spend with my daughters. Searching for inner strength and utilizing the strength and support of those around me.



Breaking through limitations one step at a time.

Breaking through limitations one step at a time.

When I had my first cervical fusion in April of 2014 my doctor gave me limitations of Maximum 10 pound weight Lifting limit. Because of the surgery I figured I needed to closely follow the limits to increase the chances of a full healing result.

After 6 months it was still not healed. Even a year post surgery the healing was not complete. At this point my surgeon suggested we could be dealing with pseudo arthrosis. Basically in layman’s terms that means failed Fusion. I chose at that point to give it a little bit more time. At that point I was also tired of keeping within the 10 to 15 pound limitation that I had. I had gained so much weight I was so unhealthy feeling and looking. I was depressed because I felt disgusting.


The problem I was seeing though was that I didn’t eat garbage food. We ate what I thought was a very balanced diet. Every meal has vegetables in it wait for many times was breakfast I would eat oatmeal and add her to the oatmeal. With dinner we would often have rice instead of mashed potatoes or any potato product.

Finally in August I decided to join a gym. At the beginning it was hard to stay on a routine even though a very good friend of mine would meet me there as a wonderful support system for each other. It wasn’t until September that I started going every week at minimum two times. Most weeks I would make it there 3 times a week before I went to college. Yes through all this I was still going to college but will get Into that in another post.


I wasn’t really seeing a whole lot of difference from going to the gym but I wasn’t quite as easily discouraged as I had been times before when I tried to lose weight because I told myself that I didn’t gain it overnight so I definitely wouldn’t lose it overnight. in October, on the 21st to be exact, I cut out the foods that were holding me back and I didn’t ease myself into it. I didn’t say okay I’m going to start this diet next week after I eat all of the crap food that’s in my kitchen so that I don’t waste it. My husband is following the same diet that I am. We took the food that we could no longer eat and donated it because why waste it? And even more importantly why punish my body by waiting another week to become healthier me?


I am very happy to say that despite my current recuperation from posterior cervical spinal fusion 2 weeks ago that I am still able to do some exercise. For instance today I did 55 sumo squats and 55 basic squat with side leg lift and I finished it off with 25 double leg lifts. Since I can’t do weight lifting and work on the top half my bottom has certainly should not have to suffer and little things like that can go a long way when done everyday.


Up until my surgery this past timeI was taking my body measurements every Saturday or something if I forgot to do it on Saturday and I was weighing myself generally about once a week. Because I am on pain medication and meds for muscle spasms I chose to step away from the scale and not measure myself for a little while and just focus on being healthy.


I increased my protein by 10 grams per day and reduce my fat by 5 grams for day to promote the healing of the bones in my spine and the muscles that need to be moved in order to get to those bones. Even my worst days now are better than my best days were with my last surgery because my body is stronger.


The pictures that you take when your on a diet are so important. And let me make it clear that this diet that I am on is not something that I am going to do until I reach my goal. This is going to be a permanent lifestyle change because if I go back to eating and the bad habits that I had before I will likely gain the same way back.


My daughters tell me they’re proud of me. My husband of almost 15 years looks at me like we’re newlyweds now again. I feel energy like I’ve not had ever. My depression issues are almost non-existent. The inflammation from my injuries the head cause me so much pain and the information from the fibromyalgia that made it difficult and sometimes impossible to perform simple tasks is so reduced that sometimes I forget it’s there.


Today while looking through some pictures I found a photo of myself from June of 2015 when we had family come visit. I looked at that picture and saw that the top that I had on what’s the same top that I wore for my January 11th 2016 weight loss picture.¬†PhotoGrid_1457534005670

I miss my independence and my life before 6/7/2013

God I hope that the surgery I just had helps. I am not looking for 100% fix because I know that will never happen.

1005 days since the accident and although I have had days where the pain was less or I hid it extra well it is so hard to deal with this every day and now so amplified with the surgical pain. I know it seems like I am just whining but I’m just trying to get some to understand. Every second, minute, hour, day, week, month and for over 2 and a half years it has been constant and exhausting.


86,832,000 seconds

1,447,200 minutes

24,120 hours

1005 days

143 weeks and 4 days

2 years, 9 months, 1 day


Tired of crying from pain. Tired of being a burden. Tired of trying to get people to comprehend and understand. It got so overwhelming to know that I was once able to lift a person of 180 pounds without even breaking a sweat. My job had meaning and I loved it. I can never go back to it because I’ll never be able to do the amount of lifting needed with care for the individuals that I was. Currently I can’t even do enough to take care of myself or my family and it just sucks what you’re used to doing things for others and then you’re the one that needs the help.


Sorry for the crappy and cranky sounding post. Thank God the they are not all this way.

Thank God for my husband and children, my mom who has been so helpful, my in laws who have done so much and the others who offered their help.